If people had to deal with pain… how would you or anyone categorize where I am?!? Stuck in a lose-lose situation wasn’t my choice but inevitably, it always becomes my fate. I didn’t ask to be in this horrific situation yet everything seems to come by so quickly, so simultaneously, and so painful.

Which would you choose? Your friend or your beloved? Your career or your desire? The oddity of all of these was that both my academics and love life have turned either on a downward spiral or worse, it hasn’t turned into anything.

Trying to be perky at these crucial times is indeed very hard I admit, hiding tears that can possibly overflow in no time under my sunshiny smiles and melodic laughter. I tried to ignore what my heart desires since my mind says it’s not the right thing. Then I realize, what IS the right thing anyway? Should I live for the benefit of the people I care about as always… or should I finally stand for what I REALLY want in every aspect of my life?

Sometimes I do wish I can be able to rewind some moments were I didn’t stand up for what I want. Was I that coward or was I too nice to give way again?

No one really knows what it’s like to be in this kind of scenario that in every angle, it is I who only loses.

I can’t stand to make a compromise ever again but by being too vocal, I might lose a lot. Yes, a LOT is on the line at this point. My academics, my future career prospects, my heart, my art, my soul… and even my sanity.

Being the sacrificial lamb isn’t my ideal position in life. Yet guilt would surely succumb me if I neglect everything that holds me down because of the thing called conscience.

Indeed, my wants can be categorized as worldy yet I am only human. Is it REALLY that bad to want something? Don’t I deserve to have even just a single desire be fulfilled?

Fulfillment they say, comes from seeing more people happy but I say,that is selfish and NOT commendable at all. I believe fulfillment will only come if you’ve done everything, got some bruises on the way, but proved yourself that you made a definite stand. And thereafter, that’s when you’ll NOT only make people happy, but also be an inspiration to them.

Courage doesn’t come easily... and I am still confused, dazed, and in repair.

I hope these wouldn’t kill me early in life.