A "secret" literary folio of a NOT-SO-KNOWN Eccentric CLOSET POET/ASPIRING FILMMAKER/SELF-PROCLAIMED INSOMNIA QUEEN.
A venue for WEIRD musings of an INDIE MUSICIAN/CHORISTER-IN-HIATUS.
A place where I CAN GET LOST INTO.
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Do You EVEN Know Me?
i am CREATIVE. i am CURIOUS. i write and COMPOSE what i please. i CAN do whatever i want. i CAN sometimes be COLD. i am CANDID. i COULD be anyone... i COULD just be any girl... but i DO have ONE NAME. I AM C. I AM CAMS AND THIS IS MY CATHARSIS.
I Read Them. I Love Them. Period.
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Friday, August 28, 2009 @ 6:45 AM
Farewell My DearFarewell my dear,
Farewell my love.
Farewell to love,
and to every lovely memory.
Farewell to the days that you made me smile.
Farewell to those little moments we shared.
I bid them all adieu,
But I know I will terribly miss you.
Goodbye to sheer happiness.
Goodbye my inspiration.
Farewell my dearest...
May my pain and tears, in time... come to rest. :(
Friday, August 14, 2009 @ 7:08 AM
Currently HopelessWaltzing alone isn’t my cup of tea
Lonely landscapes are the only things I see
My heart shatters bit by bit,
My faith falters as time progresses.
I walk through life alone as usual,
With the same plastered smile,
To hide away all of the pain,
To pour out all tears when there is rain.
Faith in everything is lost as well,
When it will be regained, neither I couldn’t tell.
Yes, I admit… I do feel less.
It’s true, I am currently hopeless.
Friday, August 7, 2009 @ 7:36 AM
On Choosing Sides and Making a StandIf people had to deal with pain… how would you or anyone categorize where I am?!? Stuck in a lose-lose situation wasn’t my choice but inevitably, it always becomes my fate. I didn’t ask to be in this horrific situation yet everything seems to come by so quickly, so simultaneously, and so painful.
Which would you choose? Your friend or your beloved? Your career or your desire? The oddity of all of these was that both my academics and love life have turned either on a downward spiral or worse, it hasn’t turned into anything.
Trying to be perky at these crucial times is indeed very hard I admit, hiding tears that can possibly overflow in no time under my sunshiny smiles and melodic laughter. I tried to ignore what my heart desires since my mind says it’s not the right thing. Then I realize, what IS the right thing anyway? Should I live for the benefit of the people I care about as always… or should I finally stand for what I REALLY want in every aspect of my life?
Sometimes I do wish I can be able to rewind some moments were I didn’t stand up for what I want. Was I that coward or was I too nice to give way again?
No one really knows what it’s like to be in this kind of scenario that in every angle, it is I who only loses.
I can’t stand to make a compromise ever again but by being too vocal, I might lose a lot. Yes, a LOT is on the line at this point. My academics, my future career prospects, my heart, my art, my soul… and even my sanity.
Being the sacrificial lamb isn’t my ideal position in life. Yet guilt would surely succumb me if I neglect everything that holds me down because of the thing called conscience.
Indeed, my wants can be categorized as worldy yet I am only human. Is it REALLY that bad to want something? Don’t I deserve to have even just a single desire be fulfilled?
Fulfillment they say, comes from seeing more people happy but I say,that is selfish and NOT commendable at all. I believe fulfillment will only come if you’ve done everything, got some bruises on the way, but proved yourself that you made a definite stand. And thereafter, that’s when you’ll NOT only make people happy, but also be an inspiration to them.
Courage doesn’t come easily... and I am still confused, dazed, and in repair.
I hope these wouldn’t kill me early in life.
Saturday, August 1, 2009 @ 10:52 AM
Bittersweet*taken from a forgotten poem from one of my notepads, originally date: June 5, 2009
Bittersweet endings aren't meant to be seen
Nor aren't meant to be felt
But these endings are inevitable
It's not even interchangeable.
Pain will last
You will be haunted by the past
But if you weather these
Maybe everything will be at ease.
Yet bittersweet endings come more often
Than the happy fairytales we endlessly wish for
Even if we pray hard and beg harder,
Sometimes, we do not deserve our ever-afters.