ako. si. c.
ako. si. c.
ako. si. c. (I AM C)



A place where I CAN GET LOST INTO.

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Do You EVEN Know Me?

i am CREATIVE. i am CURIOUS. i write and COMPOSE what i please. i CAN do whatever i want. i CAN sometimes be COLD. i am CANDID. i COULD be anyone... i COULD just be any girl... but i DO have ONE NAME. I AM C. I AM CAMS AND THIS IS MY CATHARSIS.
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Saturday, September 1, 2012 @ 8:09 AM
Humdrums on a Lazy Saturday Night
Tell me what’s MORE disturbing than catching yourself blaring that ‘ole staple cheesy (but iconic) song “Torete” on a constant loop (over the headphones of course)?

I can’t imagine myself feeling too preoccupied; on a VERY lazy, humid Saturday night while I’m certainly not doing anything productive. I simply can’t put a finger on where or what or why (or maybe who) I am REALLY bothered with as of the moment. As much as I feel so “weirded out” with this predicament of mine, I simply chose not to talk at all.

Writing it out seems more convenient for me although it does felt trivial so to speak. I know I shouldn’t be anxious if there isn’t any good reason to be one...

Or is there something underlying beneath the depths of my “all-to-weary” subconscious then?

I now begin to wonder on WHAT really gets me THIS uneasy and uncertain in such a way that I constantly feel something nagging in my brain and tugging in my emotions. And it’s quite shameful that I can’t even put into words what exact mixture of sensations I am having as I write/type this away.

Despite the fact that I am terribly (and I am sorry that I couldn’t help it) loquacious to the core, I still seem to have this “invisible wall/shell” where I tend to hide what I really think, how I really feel when caught in an unguarded moment... such as this. My life may seem like an “open book” for everyone to know but I kind of still have those “deepest, darkest” secrets that even if someone had to profusely threaten or bribe me to spill; wouldn’t even get a fragment of what I know.

Maybe I should try opening up for real?

Maybe I should be more courageous in what I have and want to really say?

Maybe I should be more in touch with my own emotions so that I won’t be so afraid to be as brutally honest as I can?

But hell, I admit it’s a hard thing to do. I couldn’t even write into detail, I couldn’t even turn my bottled-up emotions into publicly-shared songs and poems...

So how am I going to get out of this emotional rut?

I honestly seem to think that I am VERY TERRIBLE when it comes to managing the things that constantly go through my mind.

Seriously though, I now do think I am sending my OWN S.O.S.

God don’t save the Queen, save me instead! (pun intended)
Saturday, July 21, 2012 @ 7:43 AM
My Waltz with the Green-eyed Monster
I always try to wish everyone good luck,
To have great opportunities, wonderful moments, and utmost happiness.
But sometimes, I cannot help but to speak of ill,
To sometimes curse “May that person’s life be a huge mess!”

I could not help but wonder why,
People like I who do not cause so much harm,
Be burdened by so much pain,
And suffer the pangs of stolen chances.

My heart goes over the moon when I’m glad,
But it overflows with sadness when things turn out really bad.
When I should be happy for someone,
It all turns into a fit of envy.

And now starts my waltz with the Green-eyed Monster,
I glide through, filled with so much anger.
I trudge with a broken heart,
All my frustrations are blatantly cried out.

My spirit gradually weakens,
My insecurities show up so often.
I could not bear to see myself cheering,
When I am simply, unfairly left with nothing.

Now I wonder how I would be able to move on peacefully,
If everyone gets what they desire except me.
So maybe I’ll just wait over and over,
When it’s my turn to waltz again with the Green-eyed Monster.
Saturday, March 24, 2012 @ 11:12 AM
Of Coffee Shops and Being Alone
*I wrote this on my cat-filled designed journal at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Gateway just a few hours ago.*

This is one of those days where I TOTALLY MISS those quaint, private coffee shops of Elbi.

Since I am now back in the "Urban Jungle" a.k.a. Manila, my craving for coffee and a "serene" hangout can now only be slightly sufficed by these popular, big-named coffee houses that are scattered around the metro.

What it doesn't suffice though for me compared to those nooks in Elbi are these 2 things:

1. Affordability
2. Privacy

Here in the metropolis, it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to find a coffee house that offers their products for less that a hundred bucks hence for students like myself (who are thriving frugally through a mere allowance from parents) have to "cough out" much more which in my case is not only heartbreaking...

But also "wallet-breaking" as well. HUHUHU. T___T. HAHA.

The main aspect that made me love hanging out in coffee shops is the privacy that it offers. During my +++ years of stay in Elbi, this factor made me feel "oh so comfortable," whether I hang there with my friends to catch on dozens of stories (talkshow mode); or when I just want to be alone, taking a breather from all the academic chaos.

Alas, here in the "Urban Jungle," the mere fact that you enter a shop ALONE (yes, alone & dateless, you get the picture); everyone & I mean EVERYONE will stare at you (sometimes others would even gasp in disbelief) at the sheer sight. This "moment" personally makes me feel that I've done such a horrible, grave thing.

Wait a minute, does being alone at times such a crime?
"Bawal ba magkapeng mag-isa?"

Classic example is my experience as I am writing this blogpost in my cat-filled journal. Sipping my Vanilla-latte while:

a. Polishing my manus
b. Listening to my iPod
and c. Scribbling down my thoughts in a journal

All while having NO COMPANY a midst this purely glass-walled (aquarium-ish) coffee place seemed to get a lot of customers' attention. At random times when I look up to think as I write or type, I kept on catching several individuals stare, which for me is well, kind of uncomfortable. No, SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE.

And since it seems that I have to get used to this since I'm back in Manila for good, I guess I have to find or hunt down a different place that'll make feel "at home," ALONE OR NOT. :/
Thursday, March 22, 2012 @ 10:09 AM
The Lone Traveler
Yes, I am but indeed a lone traveler.

This was the realization that suddenly popped in my head while I was traveling through my normal route going home which is from the outskirts of Elbi to the suburbs of dear 'ole Antipolo.

I was just minding my own business as usual, whiling away my time listening through my iPod during the oh-so-conducive-to-sleeping long bus ride, and as I transfer to the train.
I'm quite used to traveling alone so everything felt normal...

Or so I thought.

By some twist of fate, the moment I alighted from my train stop; dozens of couples and I mean dozens suddenly appeared from nowhere, all doing the HHWW or "Holding Hands While Walking." I don't really have an issue with them doing that but what actually pissed me off (to the point that I almost hurled a sling bag in anger) was these couples were walking a bit too slow, well more like really sloooow that I can't help but compare them to "walkers" (or zombies for the non-Walking Dead fan) slowly trudging and blocking my path.

I was in a rush, as in hell bent on doing a mad dash so that I can catch the remaining fx taxis bound for home and this one helluva "mini-lovers' lane parade" was absolutely slowing my pace.

Despite the chaos, I was fortunate enough to catch a ride though in a very cramp one but at least, I got home.

And from that recent experience, I vow to myself that I will NEVER block paths once I get "coupled up" in the very distant future...

But then again, would I even be able to find someone to hold hands with in the first place?!?
Tough luck. HAHA.
Saturday, March 10, 2012 @ 10:25 AM
Friend and zone are 2 very different words that are usually NOT used in the same sentence...

Until SOMEONE concocted the monicker: "FRIENDZONE."

What is it?
Is it a cool place to hangout?
Is it a place where BFFs (bestfriends forever) thrive?
Is this an area where you can find well obviously, friends?


One doesn't REALLY even know WHERE, WHEN, or HOW it starts actually.
One JUST GRADUALLY realizes...


I personally have been in "that zone" all these years.
It just dawned upon me that "the feeling was mutual... the feeling was ONCE mutual."

The guys that I have liked did liked me back too, BUT NOT OF THE SAME INTENSITY.
They would suddenly proclaim things such as:

"Oh she's like a sister to me..."
"She's the bestfriend I could ever have..."
"Uuy... tol!"
"Uhh.... kumusta kana nga pala?"

In a blink of an eye, everything was then transformed by "SELECTIVE AMNESIA."
His disposition & on how he treats you abruptly changes, faster than you can say "Huh?"

And there you are, suddenly at lost for words. You are caught in severe & yes, heartbreak-inducing shock.

You are now left alone, pondering why it NEVER worked out and on why there was an abrupt change in the first place.

Questions and moments will haunt you in the most inconvenient of times but all of these would still be irrelevant on finding those answers.

Some say that the ONLY way to escape being "friendzoned" was to actually FIND SOMEONE who'll appreciate/love you with the SAME intensity.

Unfortunately, NOT EVERYONE has the privilege to have THAT someone.

So what do those UNFORTUNATE "friendzoned" individuals do?
Let's see...


Just blog about it?
Monday, February 13, 2012 @ 10:11 AM
"Dear Mr. Right"
Dear Mr. Right...

I never questioned your existence but during a certain yearly holiday which I wish I can actually click unlike or unfollow or even block; my curiosity about your whereabouts come rushing in. I just thought of reminding you today that hey, maybe this is the year you can bravely show your face or to even try talking to me. I am certainly not demanding you to hustle on your way but I do hope you can randomly pass by or even just drop subtle hints. Don’t worry, I am not that numb to pick up those signals, trust me; been there, done that. Though do not succumb to stalking please!

As tons of articles, friends’ advices, and even those jeepney placards peppered with common-man romantic sentiments all tell me to “Not search for love but to simply wait for it,” my own stubborn head honestly cannot keep up with that advice for I am certainly not known for having a mile-long patience in the first place. Sorry Mr. Right, I am definitely not perfect so I do hope you can keep up with my weird quirks, and with my quick pace whenever I seem to rush and travel ‘to and ‘fro. But no worries, I do not expect you to be perfect either; maybe except if you happen to be some sort of a Greek god or any supernatural entity for that matter.

Perhaps we might have crossed the same path before; only to have had glanced the other way, only to have chosen another seat at the bus, only to have had opted not to ride the train on that certain day; or because we simply chose not to notice anything at that time. Perhaps we might have not met each other yet since one of us or both of us is not ready for such a meeting yet. Or perhaps we weren’t meant to exist at the same time period.

Despite everything, a spark of hope still lives inside me on the possibility that you are just there; lurking behind the scenes, merely minding your own business. There is certainly nothing wrong with that but a little socializing might help improve the situation you are or for this matter, we are in. Please do not be alarmed if ever I use such a collective term; I am not possessive, I just opt to simplify circumstances. I hope you would not get mad that I call you “Mr. Right” since come on; I know you yourself are guilty of tagging such a nickname on to another individual at some point of your life as well.

By the way; Music, Film, Poetry, Fashion, Blogging, and similar forms of Creativity absolutely catches my attention. Yes, I am now dropping my own hints too so it would not be so hard for us to even have a conversation; however short or vague it could be. Random musings are my cup of tea and if ever you are in to it as well, I am sure that we will have a blast in both acknowledging and bashing each other. Intellectual banter actually might do us some good for all we know. Please keep in mind though that I highly prefer such encounters in quaint nooks and crannies (no matter how remote or odd) where we can in fact hear ourselves converse.

In such a crowded world we are living, feelings of being alone can inevitably creep in on the most unexpected instances. Bear with me if I happen to ever notice, for I myself sense it often. Despite your numerous “posers” which I have had encountered all my life, I will still wait for you but only on the condition that you will wait for me too. All is fair in love and war, right?

Maybe this is the right time for you and I take to take our chances, to finally get up from our slumber and search for each other. Notwithstanding how much time, effort or even money we will spend on looking; I for one believe it would be all worth it. Let’s not leave it all to chance or to destiny because for all we know, we might have both missed our opportunity already. And as I close my eyes, dream, cross my fingers, and pray; I know that somewhere out there, you Mr. Right; are doing the exact same thing as well.

See you soon then.
Sunday, January 15, 2012 @ 10:35 AM
Failing Miserably Is NOT My Cup Of Tea
Frankly speaking, it's a KNOWN fact that I have and am STILL extending my stay at the University, hence I can NEVER DENY it.

I know that my academic situation is considered (for Manila school-based students) as "NOT NORMAL."

I do HATE people who judge college undergrads who have had or is having the SAME misfortune of not graduating on time; as I myself am experiencing. Honestly, it is NEVER easy to repeatedly explain to a WHOLE LOT of acquaintances, friends, relatives, neighbors, friends of friends, etc. why such had happened especially when NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR SIDE OF THE STORY.

I just wish people can understand that there are REASONS to everything.
I just wish people can STOP being douchebags for once & try to keep their mouths shut.
I just wish people can contain their donwright rude criticisms.

Because it will NEVER be easy for students like myself to DEAL with this situation.

I am VERY MUCH AWARE that people have been scoffing behind my back on my disdainful academic route. Well here's what I HAVE TO SAY...

Failing MISERABLY is NOT my cup of tea, yet it does make me MORE resilient than you guys. I happen to indeed fall face flat on the floor with NO ONE to pick me up but I will dust myself over and over; and START AGAIN NO MATTER WHAT.

I do admit that I am DEFINITELY NOT a GOOD example to begin with.
I have had gone astray, I am a deviant; but I will NEVER succumb to society's MEDIOCRE VIEW that the "GREATEST" achievement of your ENTIRE college life is by merely graduating on time. THAT is PLAIN B*lls***.

I may have had my moments that I may have broke down into tears, that I have caved in to too much pressure, that I have sometimes avoided socializing, that I have had times that I lost interest in creating music and poetry because of severe depression and frustration...

and to even have had attempted to take one's life.

These are the harrowing experiences that though are shameful, will (I believe) mold me to the person that I am, and will be.

Failure is NOT NEW to me, and it SHOULDN'T BE to everyone else as well. I don't think anyone has the right to put themselves up to the "PEDESTAL OF PERFECTION" because EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE makes mistakes.

It just so happens that I am admitting mine and learning from it.
And it's NOBODY'S BUSINESS where I am headed after everything I've been through.
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recent entries

Humdrums on a Lazy Saturday Night My Waltz with the Green-eyed Monster Of Coffee Shops and Being Alone The Lone Traveler Friendzone "Dear Mr. Right" Failing Miserably Is NOT My Cup Of Tea To The Unknown Dear Karma... WRATH of the Insomnia Queen