A "secret" literary folio of a NOT-SO-KNOWN Eccentric CLOSET POET/ASPIRING FILMMAKER/SELF-PROCLAIMED INSOMNIA QUEEN.
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A place where I CAN GET LOST INTO.
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i am CREATIVE. i am CURIOUS. i write and COMPOSE what i please. i CAN do whatever i want. i CAN sometimes be COLD. i am CANDID. i COULD be anyone... i COULD just be any girl... but i DO have ONE NAME. I AM C. I AM CAMS AND THIS IS MY CATHARSIS.
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Saturday, September 1, 2012 @ 8:09 AM
Humdrums on a Lazy Saturday NightTell me what’s MORE disturbing than catching yourself blaring that ‘ole staple cheesy (but iconic) song “Torete” on a constant loop (over the headphones of course)?
I can’t imagine myself feeling too preoccupied; on a VERY lazy, humid Saturday night while I’m certainly not doing anything productive. I simply can’t put a finger on where or what or why (or maybe who) I am REALLY bothered with as of the moment. As much as I feel so “weirded out” with this predicament of mine, I simply chose not to talk at all.
Writing it out seems more convenient for me although it does felt trivial so to speak. I know I shouldn’t be anxious if there isn’t any good reason to be one...
Or is there something underlying beneath the depths of my “all-to-weary” subconscious then?
I now begin to wonder on WHAT really gets me THIS uneasy and uncertain in such a way that I constantly feel something nagging in my brain and tugging in my emotions. And it’s quite shameful that I can’t even put into words what exact mixture of sensations I am having as I write/type this away.
Despite the fact that I am terribly (and I am sorry that I couldn’t help it) loquacious to the core, I still seem to have this “invisible wall/shell” where I tend to hide what I really think, how I really feel when caught in an unguarded moment... such as this. My life may seem like an “open book” for everyone to know but I kind of still have those “deepest, darkest” secrets that even if someone had to profusely threaten or bribe me to spill; wouldn’t even get a fragment of what I know.
Maybe I should try opening up for real?
Maybe I should be more courageous in what I have and want to really say?
Maybe I should be more in touch with my own emotions so that I won’t be so afraid to be as brutally honest as I can?
But hell, I admit it’s a hard thing to do. I couldn’t even write into detail, I couldn’t even turn my bottled-up emotions into publicly-shared songs and poems...
So how am I going to get out of this emotional rut?
I honestly seem to think that I am VERY TERRIBLE when it comes to managing the things that constantly go through my mind.
Seriously though, I now do think I am sending my OWN S.O.S.
God don’t save the Queen, save me instead! (pun intended)