The most painful thing for a performing artist is to see oneself sitting amidst the applauding crowd, instead of being the one applauded. As a former chorale member, I can’t help but get a bit squeamish and be somewhat critical whenever I watch chorale performances. “They need to have more facial expressions,” “That soprano is flat,” “Bass has to keep it up,” these are just some of the critiques that kept popping on my head every single time. I admit; I am not that flawless when it comes to singing yet since I was trained back in the days to be very mindful of my notes, it is inevitable for me to stop myself from pointing out mistakes that I observed.

I do miss being a performer. I do miss being a chorale member. I miss the feeling of belongingness with fellow musicians. True, it is a joy to watch various chorale performances since I happen to appreciate a wide range of genre but there is this certain yearning that I cannot take off my system: to be on the stage and perform; and not to simply watch someone perform. Being a spectator is just not my cup of tea. There’s nothing wrong with being a viewer but for me personally, there is something more special in being able to showcase what you’ve got and at the same time, being able to bring happiness to others.

Once a performer is used to being onstage, there would always be a constant yearning to go back, even if it seems quite impossible. I never thought that I, myself would be on this state. I never imagined being off the stage and see myself with the audience, clapping when either a performance is brilliant or simply, when just prodded to do so. I am not fond of this mechanical act of automatically clapping like a ventriloquist doll once a number is finished. Maybe pride is another fact why it is painful to be a performer turned spectator. Pride is tarnished when you simply feel you are not needed anymore, when you do not feel appreciated anymore.



How I miss the feeling of not only performing but competing as well. How I miss the rush while singing for the finals, the feeling of the confetti brushing my face, a gold medal being placed upon my neck, the momentous standing ovation, and that thunderous, seemingly unending applause; the whole experience of being a champion. Yearning to entertain, yearning to win, and yearning to excel; these are the reasons why I just can’t keep myself still on my seat every time I watch other chorales sing.
Reminiscing won’t get me to places, I know that. Wallowing in pain wouldn’t as well. But to continue yearning and to pursue dreams surely would get me back on my beloved stage. Maybe not now, but I know deep in my heart; it won’t take long before I get back there. Just wait and see. :)

I am saying goodbye to you,
I am burying my love for you.
In the deepest depths of the ocean,
I shall throw away every bit of feeling.

Another sacrifice I shall make,
Another heartache it will create.
But by doing so,
I might be able to finally let you go.

I want you to be endlessly happy,
I want you to be eternally free.
In her arms, you should be,
In her arms, you’ll be loved surely.

As I say my adieu,
I shall still pray for you.
My love, I shall always remember,
Though I am releasing you… you’ll still be a part of my life forever.