Yeah, I am NOT going anywhere. I'm going to stay.
And it seems everyone is happy about it.


But honestly... I'M NOT.

Whoever said opinions matter should have his/her ears checked. Well, it DOESN'T.
Whoever said that everything will be alright doesn't know there's BITTERNESS in reality.
Whoever said that you should be careful is contented on being MEDIOCRE.
Whoever said that all you need is perseverance doesn't know ANY better...

Cause it also takes HEART you know.


Now I know why ANGST is a feeling that COULDN'T disappear in life.

It was a TYPICAL Sunday, waking up feeling lethargic from insomnia and having a "badtrip spell" the whole time I was getting ready for mass (no thanks to early-morning "sermon"). My eyes were actually pretty blank and I was unusually quiet on the way and while entering the church...

Because I admit, I feel quite melancholic nowadays. :(

All throughout the mass, I couldn't even bear to concentrate on what the priest was talking about since SOMETHING was still preoccupying my mind...

SOMETHING VERY SERIOUS and NOT just a run-of-the-mill quarter life crisis.

It was still about my "What-the-hell-should-I-freaking-do-with-my-life" issue. I am REALLY desperate to find answers and I was actually hoping that MAYBE I could find it during the mass awhile ago.

Alas, all I got was MORE sadness. And with songs about "You-just-let-God-be-your-guide" during communion... my eyes SUDDENLY began to well up. I was on the verge of quivering since what should a clueless, underachiever girl like me can still do when stuck in this sh*tty position, right?!?

I was desperately seeking answers, but I NEVER got a single sign... damn.

Good thing I was able to bite my tongue hard so that I wouldn't just bawl out beside my siblings during communion... talk about a would-be shocker for them I bet!

I just COULDN'T believe that I ALMOST cried in public for the VERY first time in my entire life.

Out of sheer luck, I prevented myself from crying and saved my dignity.
Yet sadly...

I STILL DON'T HAVE ANSWERS, I STILL DON'T HAVE ANY CLUE... AND I REALLY, REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. :(

As they say: "Do Your Best and God Will Do the Rest..."
I already DID (in a span of 5 years) and NOTHING happened AT ALL.

So what's Your plan NOW God?!? TELL ME cause I'm freaking TIRED already! :s

I had been on this weird phase for these past few months, NOT writing a single entry for 2010. I would ALWAYS fish out my notepad to scribble random ideas or save my thoughts on my trusty laptop... but then again, I FAIL to post everything at the end of the day.

I'm NOT SO SURE if I'm doing a "blogging diet" or maybe...
I HAD NO INSPIRATION to blog at all.

Yeah, I just turned 22 last March and TOP it all of...

a. I STILL WASN'T able to GRADUATE
b. I STILL have NO boyfriend (I have a love-hate relationship on this issue actually)
c. I WAS NOT churning out ANY new songs
d. I am RETURNING to my "bored-insecure-self pity" phase (yikes!)

and LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST...

e. I LOST my drive... and STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE! (seriously!)

I don't have a clue on what to do anymore. I couldn't see what I probably will be in the future.

In OTHER WORDS...

I DON'T want to talk about ANYTHING that refers to either:
a. ACADEMICS
b. LOVE LIFE
c. CAREER.


Reaching the age of 22, I do FEEL that I am INDEED an UNDERACHIEVER.
While MOST of my batchmates are already earning thousands, I'm STILL STUCK to the same course and to the SAME FREAKIN' PLACE for about 5 years already. Talk about NOT going UP the career ladder.

People are pestering me MORE nowadays with the question:
"Kailan ka ba gragraduate? (When are you graduating?)"

And I am sooo TEMPTED to retort:
"Hindi na. Ayoko na eh. (Not anymore. I don't want to anymore.)"

If having diplomas were the MAIN ISSUE in the professional sector, heck...
I DON'T WANNA ENTER that sector!
Seriously, if ONLY artists were given MUCH respect and MORE venues to work in, I wouldn't HESITATE to just drop out of school and get BACK to work on my compositions, unfinished scripts and stories, and produce MORE poems.


However, I'm just NOT sure if someone would actually take MY side at this point in time. As my siblings, friends, and ALMOST everyone around have ALWAYS said:

"Masasayang lang ang oras at pinag-aralan mo (You'll just waste your time and what you've already studied)..."


I HONESTLY DON'T FREAKIN' CARE ANYMORE.
All I wanted to say is...

"I JUST WANT OUT. I JUST WANT TO BE FREE TO DO WHAT I REALLY WANTED. JUST ACCEPT IT YOU FREAKS!"


***And I heavily sighed and just merely posted this on the blog. sh*t.